Yankees Daily

I read some where about how New York Yankees half owner Hank Steinbrenner thought the Yankees can repeat. I thought to myself, “Borrring.” Of course he’s going to say that. What else is he going to say?

But here at Yankeesdaily, I’m saying that to sound goofy. It’s not like I have a whole bunch of people working for me.(Hopefully my brother will once he sells his website) I always got a kick out of that when websites say things like…. but here at satire.com…

Here’s what Hank Steinbrenner actually said or HSAS:

HSAS:”The two trades that Brian did I was really pleased with and very proud of,” Steinbrenner. a team co-chairman, said Thursday. “I think that is going to make a big difference for us.”

I thought it would be funny if he said this instead…

Funny version: The two trades that Brian did I was not pleased with. I am not proud of Brian. Why can’t he go back to the hole he came from. I don’t think the trades are going to make a difference at all.

HSAS: “We needed another top-notch starter and got one,” Steinbrenner said.

Funny version: “We needed another top-notch starter and got nothing. Is Cashman serious?” “My father brought him in because he’s the “Cash” man. He’s supposed to cash in titles for us.

When asked about his conversation with Derek Jeter…

HSAS: “I asked him his opinion, and he said, “It’s all about pitching,”‘ Hank Steinbrenner said of Jeter.

Funny version: “I asked him his opinion, and he said, “It’s all about me and my needs,”"I’m the one that stirs the drink around here”‘ Hank Steinbrenner said of Jeter.

When asked about Jeter’s contract status…

HSAS: “We’ll get into all of that eventually, ” Steinbrenner said. “Jeter’s place in Yankee history is obvious, so I think you can pretty much assume from there.”

Funny version: “We’re really not going to get into that, ” Steinbrenner said. “Jeter’s place in Yankee history is a disgrace, so I think you can pretty much assume that he’s a goner.”

I can’t think of anything else. I also thought he said this yesterday when he actually said it last week so it shows how behind the times I am.

1.This just in from Akron……..Ted Kennedy has been sober for 12 hours. More to follow.

2. How did people find out Ted was dead?

He didn’t show up to the bar this morning!!

3.Ted Kennedy is a shovel ready project

4. Saint Peter: “I don’t care how drunk you were, Ted, it’s still murder!”

5. Ted Kennedy died and it’s George Bush’s fault. Obama will address that in his next speech.

6. Thank goodness Kennedy died so we can focus on something other than Obama’s performance.

If we are lucky we can focus on Pelosi, Feinstein, and Schumer too.

7. Is this God’s way of taking away the democrats filibuster proof Senate?

8. What’s black, white and hungry? Ted Kennedy’s cat.

9. Kennedy was so full of himself he floated. So full of shit he’s dead

10. Is there life after death? Don’t ask Ted Kennedy, because he has been responsible for three.

11. If Ted Kennedy is to be buried in Martha’s Vineyard, the island will sink below sea level.

12. They have named a drink after Ted Kennedy. It’s called the Chappaquiddick. It’s made by mixing Gin and murky water.

13. Much like his brother, Ted Kennedy will also have an eternal flame in Arlington Cemetary, but for his they are just going to strike a match to his liver.

14. ok, Ted is dead, its all just water under the bridge now.

15. Ted also had a plan to stimulate the Auto industry but his was called cash for kerplunkers.

16. Ted Kennedy never became president because unlike George Washington, he couldn’t cross a river.

17. Teds’ friends say he wasn’t much of a golfer because he always ended up in the water hazard.

18. During the battle in Nasaria, the Marines called up Kennedy because he had experience with crossing a bridge while being bombed.

19. With news of Ted’s death, the Massachusetts liquor industry is now going to need a bailout.

20. For the funeral apparently the Dead Kennedys will be performing.

21. Ted Kennedy’s Funeral To Be Broadcast on Cable Television

The funeral for the late Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy will be broadcast on cable television for the world to watch. The brother of former president JFK passed away Tuesday evening due to complications from several health conditions.

The funeral will be shown on The Food Network. A spokesman for the channel said “We are showing the services for several reasons. First, Ted was about 350 pounds in his prime and was one of our biggest fans(and I mean that in more ways than one).”

“Secondly, we are showing the funeral in the time slots normally held by Potent Potables and Open Bar, two of the Senator’s favorite programs.”

“Third, we thought that any man who wanted to be buried in a filled wiskey barrell just had to be covered by our channel.”

The Food Network also announced that, from now on, Cob Salad will be called Cape Cod Salad in remembrance of Kennedy.

22. Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my guns.

Actor In A Leading Role: Alex Rodriguez.

“I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank my cousin for injecting me with steroids, even though I had no idea what he was injecting me with.”

Actor in a Supporting Role: Scott Boras

“In front of all America, right here at the biggest award show of the year, I’d like to announce that Ron Villone is opting out of his contract.”

Actress in a Leading Role: Roger Clemens

“Thank you everyone. The time I threw that bat at Mike Piazza was not because of ‘roid rage. I threw that bat at him because…Well, I’m sorry, I misremembered why.”

Actress in a Supporting Role: Jose Canseco

“I injected every award winner tonight with truth serum. I also dated Madonna!”

Best Picture: New York Yankees and Hank Steinbrenner

“No matter how many millions we have spent on players that abuse steroids, we will continue to spend money and support steroid users that hit “dribblers” to the starting pitcher.”

Best comedy: Rafael Palmeiro

“Miguel Tejada, you lied, PERIOD!”

Visual Effects: Mark McGuire

“I’d like to get together with Alex Rodriguez and talk about the past.”

Directing: Barry Bonds

“Let me make this “clear”—I love everyone and I love baseball reporters”

Animated Feature Film: Miguel Tejada

“I’m sorry to the whole United States. (Sniff, sniff) Now let me get back to making millions a year. Thank you.”

This was also featured at http://bleacherreport.com/